loathing and fear
Oct. 26th, 2017 09:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yamamanamaI think that Ashley would feel somewhat better if I apologize to her and acknowledge what she said about me but she's not letting me get close enough so it's kind of a catch 22.
I didn't thank Christina for her efforts; I should not have gotten her involved in the first place.
I'm not angry with her; anger won't solve anything. I mean, I'm not angry with Ashley, I'm angry with people like Julian Assange and if they could just keep their dicks in their pants, people like Ashley would feel safer. I just think a lot of hardship could have been avoided if she had just said something like "I just need some space right now" or "I accept your apology and I'm glad you're making an effort to make me more comfortable."
I guess I'll never really understand Ashley's fears, her concerns, and her insecurities, not unless I've lived them myself. I haven't been there, every day, every hour.
It's a balancing act: I want to reassure her and I don't want to see her stressed out like this but I don't want to dismiss her concerns and fears as invalid.
When I got to the wildlife center, the human receptionist was in a meeting so Shorty was in the swivel chair instead. I told him that he made me happy again. Eventually, I told Emily that even if I have to make seagull food, it won't be the low point of the day. I almost took back that statement. I probably would have if I was the one thawing out rodents and not Emily, or if they had a fish bucket. Sapir was like "you know, you could thaw the mice out in the sink instead of wasting a bowl" but Emily was like "it's dirty and they're in a bag anyway," I don't think seagulls care. The bowl had some larger mice they didn't want to cut up for the hawks and a larger rat that looked kind of rotted but maybe it was just matted fur.
Caroline looks enough like Laura that I'm mixing up the two, although I just met Caroline and I've only known Laura for a day. Laura still calls rodos pigeons and she's from New York City, where they are everywhere. She fostered a tuxedo cat over the summer.
Sapir was talking about some kind of virus we're all carriers of and emphatically does not recommend licking the chinchilla.
Jaden or Jade (a fitting name for someone so androgynous-looking) was talking about dumping pumpkin seeds all over the place and getting a thorny mess.
I tried to make a Bob Belcher pumpkin. I found a rotted pumpkin that would be great if it had some kind of grimace of despair on it but alas it was too rotted to carve. Someone named Lauren made a pumpkin eating a small white pumpkin. Someone with a star of david necklace carved a gourd into a dragon with a pumpkin growth sticking out of its head. Someone made a pumpkin spewing out pumpkin goop and smaller pumpkins and I have no idea how they're going to move it.
I've never seen it so crowded in there when pumpkin carving. The "schoolhouse" was filled with pumpkins by the end of the night" and it was only day 1.
Michelle thought I had an Australian accent but then when I try to consciously do one, I'm like "Crikey… that was embarrassing."
I told her of the time I watched In The Loop and talked with a Scottish accent for a few days. I haven't been watching any Australians, just Raocow.
She has a tortoise she thought was Greek but it turned out to be Russian. I always love telling people where Russian tortoises are from. Her favorite snake is the rainbow boa but doesn't want a snake because she'd have to deal with dead mice.
Someone who's name I've forgotten has pink hair.
TURTLE KOMBAAAAAAAT!!!! happened. It looked like the spotted turtle was either refereeing or trying to intervene.
Chel has two bunnies, grandbunny and grandchild, Peaches, a brown bunny, and Sugar, an albino with red-blue irises and red pupils. Peaches accidentally had four, also named for foods, I think there was a Cinnamon in the group, and maybe Cardamom or Honey, and then they accidentally had babies. It only took ten minutes, she said.
She was telling me about a fruit from Peru that she had while in East Boston.
Caileigh asked me what the largest snake was and then asked her mom if we were in North America.
A woman has a tattoo of a cochlear implant, which people think belongs to her but is actually her cousin's.
Krissy says she sucks at pumpkins too. She likes Rick and Morty. Hmm, maybe I should recommend Steins;Gate to her. I told Krissy and also Chantelle to tell Ashley that I want her to talk to me when she feels comfortable doing so. I don't want to initiate any conversations at this point, when she feels uncomfortable going through her life because of me and I feel like shit because of that. I also told them to stay friends with Ashley. Once I had a falling out with a friend and all our mutual friends eventually left me. I will not subject anyone to that same fate.
And then Ashley decided to show up anyway, completely killing whatever somewhat-overwhelmed-but-somewhat-perky mood I was in. Whenever I'm around her, I feel every emotion at once.
burning question: what was it I said that startled you?
I didn't thank Christina for her efforts; I should not have gotten her involved in the first place.
I'm not angry with her; anger won't solve anything. I mean, I'm not angry with Ashley, I'm angry with people like Julian Assange and if they could just keep their dicks in their pants, people like Ashley would feel safer. I just think a lot of hardship could have been avoided if she had just said something like "I just need some space right now" or "I accept your apology and I'm glad you're making an effort to make me more comfortable."
I guess I'll never really understand Ashley's fears, her concerns, and her insecurities, not unless I've lived them myself. I haven't been there, every day, every hour.
It's a balancing act: I want to reassure her and I don't want to see her stressed out like this but I don't want to dismiss her concerns and fears as invalid.
When I got to the wildlife center, the human receptionist was in a meeting so Shorty was in the swivel chair instead. I told him that he made me happy again. Eventually, I told Emily that even if I have to make seagull food, it won't be the low point of the day. I almost took back that statement. I probably would have if I was the one thawing out rodents and not Emily, or if they had a fish bucket. Sapir was like "you know, you could thaw the mice out in the sink instead of wasting a bowl" but Emily was like "it's dirty and they're in a bag anyway," I don't think seagulls care. The bowl had some larger mice they didn't want to cut up for the hawks and a larger rat that looked kind of rotted but maybe it was just matted fur.
Caroline looks enough like Laura that I'm mixing up the two, although I just met Caroline and I've only known Laura for a day. Laura still calls rodos pigeons and she's from New York City, where they are everywhere. She fostered a tuxedo cat over the summer.
Sapir was talking about some kind of virus we're all carriers of and emphatically does not recommend licking the chinchilla.
Jaden or Jade (a fitting name for someone so androgynous-looking) was talking about dumping pumpkin seeds all over the place and getting a thorny mess.
I tried to make a Bob Belcher pumpkin. I found a rotted pumpkin that would be great if it had some kind of grimace of despair on it but alas it was too rotted to carve. Someone named Lauren made a pumpkin eating a small white pumpkin. Someone with a star of david necklace carved a gourd into a dragon with a pumpkin growth sticking out of its head. Someone made a pumpkin spewing out pumpkin goop and smaller pumpkins and I have no idea how they're going to move it.
I've never seen it so crowded in there when pumpkin carving. The "schoolhouse" was filled with pumpkins by the end of the night" and it was only day 1.
Michelle thought I had an Australian accent but then when I try to consciously do one, I'm like "Crikey… that was embarrassing."
I told her of the time I watched In The Loop and talked with a Scottish accent for a few days. I haven't been watching any Australians, just Raocow.
She has a tortoise she thought was Greek but it turned out to be Russian. I always love telling people where Russian tortoises are from. Her favorite snake is the rainbow boa but doesn't want a snake because she'd have to deal with dead mice.
Someone who's name I've forgotten has pink hair.
TURTLE KOMBAAAAAAAT!!!! happened. It looked like the spotted turtle was either refereeing or trying to intervene.
Chel has two bunnies, grandbunny and grandchild, Peaches, a brown bunny, and Sugar, an albino with red-blue irises and red pupils. Peaches accidentally had four, also named for foods, I think there was a Cinnamon in the group, and maybe Cardamom or Honey, and then they accidentally had babies. It only took ten minutes, she said.
She was telling me about a fruit from Peru that she had while in East Boston.
Caileigh asked me what the largest snake was and then asked her mom if we were in North America.
A woman has a tattoo of a cochlear implant, which people think belongs to her but is actually her cousin's.
Krissy says she sucks at pumpkins too. She likes Rick and Morty. Hmm, maybe I should recommend Steins;Gate to her. I told Krissy and also Chantelle to tell Ashley that I want her to talk to me when she feels comfortable doing so. I don't want to initiate any conversations at this point, when she feels uncomfortable going through her life because of me and I feel like shit because of that. I also told them to stay friends with Ashley. Once I had a falling out with a friend and all our mutual friends eventually left me. I will not subject anyone to that same fate.
And then Ashley decided to show up anyway, completely killing whatever somewhat-overwhelmed-but-somewhat-perky mood I was in. Whenever I'm around her, I feel every emotion at once.
burning question: what was it I said that startled you?
