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yamamanama76 days until the vernal equinox
After reaching the ending of this game and seeing how it contradicts everything the manual says, I sat around for a minute waiting for some kind of attract mode. Spoiler alert: there isn't one.
Loading on a cartridge. It's very brief, unlike Batman Forever's loading screens, but just as bewildering.
The story, at least, according to the manual is that lightning struck a vat of jelly in a factory owned by the eccentric Mr. Swirley, and so Jelly Boy was born from the reaction. He runs towards the elevator but the operator blocks his way and tells him that his orders are to not let anyone in without the special items hidden throughout the factory. Swirley promised that the first to collect all six items will be granted their dearest wish. Jelly Boy is like "yeah, I can do that."
He tells him that first he needs all the puzzle pieces, and once you have those, you have to deal with the boss. Also hidden in the world is a key. You need the key before you can move on to the next world.
A little pink dog followed him in.
The pink dog barks at enemies and they turn around but mostly he just gets in the way.
Hitting him makes him sad.
This is the first bonus room. I assume that if you die in a bonus level, you die in real life. So you can safely ignore them.
The gimmick of this game is transformation.
The game implies that the story is something completely different. We'll get to that.
For some inexplicable reason, ducking gets its own button, you don’t just press the down button to duck.
Good to know.
The music in Toy World is catchy but kind of obnoxious.
Looks like a Yoda head.
Getting the brick powerup just makes Jelly Boy topple over until you cancel out of it with X.
What the game doesn't tell you is that the invulnerability period is very short.
Some transformations, like the pogo stick here, take away your offensive abilities. No, you can't jump on enemies in this form. Would be nice if you could.
These guys just fly around in a square shape.
Your attack involves stretching out your belly. I said "belly."
The cannon fires in an arc. It also walks slowly. Good thing powerups respawn.
This shit barely counts as a bonus level and I made a save state because I thought I beat the level. You get nothing out of it, and by that, I mean there’s an extra life but you’ll probably die if you get it. And if you die, you have to restart the level and presumably get the puzzle piece.
If you touch the side of the spikes, you die, and by touch, I mean, barely even graze.
This form walks on walls and ceilings.
The fizzy drink, or whatever they call them in jolly old England, container floats on water and launches the cap, which very very slowly replenishes itself. It's somewhat unresponsive and very annoying to use.
I have no fucking idea what the game wants me to do here. Sometimes, Mr. Helpy will move to the left and I want that but can’t figure out how, or even if, I can do anything.
This form just jumps forward and rams things.
The enemies down there kind of remind me of the borfes from Terranigma.
It breaks blocks and kills enemies and he squishes like an accordion when he hits anything else.
There are parts where you just have to go through dark places.
If you got all the puzzle pieces, here's your first boss. There are helicopter powerups on both sides so just shoot in to the core. And when you get hit, you just lose the powerup instead of your music notes or a life.
Hold on to that.
Mr. Freeze's ice goons show up in this game too.
In this game, climbing up even the gentlest of slopes is the most ardous of tasks.
No, you can't go in the igloo.
There's some law saying that all ice areas, be they Antarctic, Arctic, Himalayas, or even frozen moonlets in the icy depths of space, must have penguins.
Jack Frost can stun you with his ice breath.
The borfes have started an ice cream business.
Platforming!
The flamethrower melts away ice blocks but for whatever reason, it only melts one at a time.
You'll need a boat to cross water.
As expected.
And on to Aztec Adventure.
Those ants are really hard to see.
I think they're throwing poop at you. They can do it from off screen too.
This puzzle is annoying because sometimes the cannonballs disappear in the aether beyond the screen.
These guys in pith helmets are just like the ice goons.
This bonus room is literally impossible to complete. I thought I needed to do it for some reason, you know, to get a puzzle piece or key or something. This jump you can’t make.
Bees move in very erratic patterns.
The ball has weird hit detection. Sometimes, when you try to run on it, you fall off and are damaged. Jumping off of the ball is extremely fickle as well.
This game takes “blind jumps” too literally. You can’t see the blue gems until you touch them.
The rocket goes up when you press the button and falls back down when you let go.
I think this is supposed to be Poseidon but he looks more like the green guy on the cover of The Last of Danu’s Children. Your greatest foe, of course, is hit detection. Also the fact that you move really slowly underwater. And also there are no music notes in this level.
What you’re supposed to do is hit the dogfish and then he’ll give up and leave a puzzle piece.
This boss sucks Donkey’s kong. You have to get the cannon, and since you can't dodge or shoot the boulders, you're just gonna have to time everything.
It’s easy once you get into position, though. No, I did. I just got hit taking the screenshot.
And now we head to space!
Yeah, somehow he fit OUTER SPACE inside of his factory.
On the other hand, some craters just spew fire.
But it's not as bad as you think. Oh, look, the borfes have donned space helmets.
The green rocks take you places.
Shmup stages are a nice change of pace.
Just don't get hit.
This level is a maze.
I think you have to do this twice. Activate the platform and then fall down and do it again.
I think that's supposed to be the trifid nebula
You're supposed to ram the small guy. He'll get more and more battered and then finally explode.
Let's move on to the desert.
These guys stop at a certain location and drill for an oil plume.
The plume not only damages you, but changes your color temporarily.
You also tan over time in the sunlit levels. It's just an aesthetic thing.
You can supposedly control the sandworm. It's clunky though. Thankfully, it only appears once in the game.
This guy walks like an Egyptian but he's dressed like Morocco Mole.
It's time for a magic carpet ride.
Camel spit is damaging.
Mummies take a few hits to kill. Or re-kill, whatever.
Let's see, we've got a desert world here. Ancient Egypt? Check. Arabia? Check. Dune reference? Check. Napoleonic France… wait.
The bomb makes you explode and kill every enemy on the screen.
But thankfully you just have to wait until he pieces himself back together again.
When the guide said "she," I was expecting Cleopatra VII.
It's time to move on to the last world.
The sky!
You have to use the wind to propel yourself. It's clunky.
They need a building that big just for pool.
If you fall down the chimneys, you die.
The level is called Shepherd’s Delight because there’s a red sky at night but I always heard it as “Sailor’s Delight.”
For some reason, it doesn't rain under the clouds.
This is an autoscroller and it has the most annoying puzzle piece in the game.
Just kind of hover above and to the side and spam attacks. For whatever reason, this boss takes away your pause ability.
This happened to me the first time I fought him. He just disappeared and I was left to wait until I ran out of time or just fell off the screen.
Your lives are capped at 24. I have no idea why because 24 is not a power of 2.
This is the passcode for the end.
One long, awkward elevator ride later.
The manual says that Swirley fulfills Jelly Boy's heart's desire and that is that he can play with all the toys with Harry the Dog.
This is all happening automatically.
Not much of an ending.
I think that games suffer from trying to be x but more so. This game wants to be more M.C. Kids and A Boy And His Blob than M.C. Kids and A Boy And His Blob, making all of its puzzle pieces compulsory. Donkey Kong is like Banjo-Kazooie or Super Mario 64 (Mario collects stars, which open doors to collect keys, which open doors to new levels, where you collect more stars) but your goal is to collect 8 boss keys which are behind doors that you can only go in by collecting x amount of bananas in a level, and to unlock level gates, each character has to collect golden bananas, which require abilities granted by guns, potions, and musical instruments, which are bought using banana coins, and also banana balloons must be popped with guns, and one of the Kongs can obtain a camera which allows you to capture banana faeries, which leads to bonus stuff and also a golden banana, and you need forty blueprints to get the last boss key and you need ten battle crowns to get past a door in the final level and to get past another door in the final level, you need the rareware coin (you need to beat the original Donkey Kong on an arcade machine and to play that arcade machine, you need a handful of banana coins and the potion that grants the ability to pull levers) and the nintendo coin (you need to play Jetpack by collecting fifteen banana metals which you get by collecting 75 bananas in a level with a Kong and protip: don't try to advance the game, just collect enough points to get the coin) but more so.
Or worse, when games try to be x but more so but fail to understand what made x a good game in the first place. Much like Xenoblade Chronicles and Final Fantasy XII. Despite what Tritoch and Philia will tell you. Gone is the compelling political drama. Apparently, they thought people liked the pacing issues in Final Fantasy XII so the plot grinds to a halt every time you get to a new area and have to do a bunch of sidequests.
And then there's inventory management. Because you even have limited space with things like gems and loot items, and since you never know what you're going to need to hold on to for future use. And for the collectapedia, which was admittedly a cool idea, you had to give up one of the items to put it in, which was exceptionally annoying with items that were a pain in the ass to grind for and used in quests.
And the importance of level in damage/accuracy formulas that can be slightly mitigated by gems. And weapons don't do as much damage as they were supposed to do.
Burning question: Why do I have to press a button to duck? Because pressing down looks down? Come on, Sonic can look down while ducking. I mean, he doesn't turn into a duck, but still.
After reaching the ending of this game and seeing how it contradicts everything the manual says, I sat around for a minute waiting for some kind of attract mode. Spoiler alert: there isn't one.
Loading on a cartridge. It's very brief, unlike Batman Forever's loading screens, but just as bewildering.
The story, at least, according to the manual is that lightning struck a vat of jelly in a factory owned by the eccentric Mr. Swirley, and so Jelly Boy was born from the reaction. He runs towards the elevator but the operator blocks his way and tells him that his orders are to not let anyone in without the special items hidden throughout the factory. Swirley promised that the first to collect all six items will be granted their dearest wish. Jelly Boy is like "yeah, I can do that."
He tells him that first he needs all the puzzle pieces, and once you have those, you have to deal with the boss. Also hidden in the world is a key. You need the key before you can move on to the next world.
A little pink dog followed him in.
The pink dog barks at enemies and they turn around but mostly he just gets in the way.
Hitting him makes him sad.
This is the first bonus room. I assume that if you die in a bonus level, you die in real life. So you can safely ignore them.
The gimmick of this game is transformation.
The game implies that the story is something completely different. We'll get to that.
For some inexplicable reason, ducking gets its own button, you don’t just press the down button to duck.
Good to know.
The music in Toy World is catchy but kind of obnoxious.
Looks like a Yoda head.
Getting the brick powerup just makes Jelly Boy topple over until you cancel out of it with X.
What the game doesn't tell you is that the invulnerability period is very short.
Some transformations, like the pogo stick here, take away your offensive abilities. No, you can't jump on enemies in this form. Would be nice if you could.
These guys just fly around in a square shape.
Your attack involves stretching out your belly. I said "belly."
The cannon fires in an arc. It also walks slowly. Good thing powerups respawn.
This shit barely counts as a bonus level and I made a save state because I thought I beat the level. You get nothing out of it, and by that, I mean there’s an extra life but you’ll probably die if you get it. And if you die, you have to restart the level and presumably get the puzzle piece.
If you touch the side of the spikes, you die, and by touch, I mean, barely even graze.
This form walks on walls and ceilings.
The fizzy drink, or whatever they call them in jolly old England, container floats on water and launches the cap, which very very slowly replenishes itself. It's somewhat unresponsive and very annoying to use.
I have no fucking idea what the game wants me to do here. Sometimes, Mr. Helpy will move to the left and I want that but can’t figure out how, or even if, I can do anything.
This form just jumps forward and rams things.
The enemies down there kind of remind me of the borfes from Terranigma.
It breaks blocks and kills enemies and he squishes like an accordion when he hits anything else.
There are parts where you just have to go through dark places.
If you got all the puzzle pieces, here's your first boss. There are helicopter powerups on both sides so just shoot in to the core. And when you get hit, you just lose the powerup instead of your music notes or a life.
Hold on to that.
Mr. Freeze's ice goons show up in this game too.
In this game, climbing up even the gentlest of slopes is the most ardous of tasks.
No, you can't go in the igloo.
There's some law saying that all ice areas, be they Antarctic, Arctic, Himalayas, or even frozen moonlets in the icy depths of space, must have penguins.
Jack Frost can stun you with his ice breath.
The borfes have started an ice cream business.
Platforming!
The flamethrower melts away ice blocks but for whatever reason, it only melts one at a time.
You'll need a boat to cross water.
As expected.
And on to Aztec Adventure.
Those ants are really hard to see.
I think they're throwing poop at you. They can do it from off screen too.
This puzzle is annoying because sometimes the cannonballs disappear in the aether beyond the screen.
These guys in pith helmets are just like the ice goons.
This bonus room is literally impossible to complete. I thought I needed to do it for some reason, you know, to get a puzzle piece or key or something. This jump you can’t make.
Bees move in very erratic patterns.
The ball has weird hit detection. Sometimes, when you try to run on it, you fall off and are damaged. Jumping off of the ball is extremely fickle as well.
This game takes “blind jumps” too literally. You can’t see the blue gems until you touch them.
The rocket goes up when you press the button and falls back down when you let go.
I think this is supposed to be Poseidon but he looks more like the green guy on the cover of The Last of Danu’s Children. Your greatest foe, of course, is hit detection. Also the fact that you move really slowly underwater. And also there are no music notes in this level.
What you’re supposed to do is hit the dogfish and then he’ll give up and leave a puzzle piece.
This boss sucks Donkey’s kong. You have to get the cannon, and since you can't dodge or shoot the boulders, you're just gonna have to time everything.
It’s easy once you get into position, though. No, I did. I just got hit taking the screenshot.
And now we head to space!
Yeah, somehow he fit OUTER SPACE inside of his factory.
On the other hand, some craters just spew fire.
But it's not as bad as you think. Oh, look, the borfes have donned space helmets.
The green rocks take you places.
Shmup stages are a nice change of pace.
Just don't get hit.
This level is a maze.
I think you have to do this twice. Activate the platform and then fall down and do it again.
I think that's supposed to be the trifid nebula
You're supposed to ram the small guy. He'll get more and more battered and then finally explode.
Let's move on to the desert.
These guys stop at a certain location and drill for an oil plume.
The plume not only damages you, but changes your color temporarily.
You also tan over time in the sunlit levels. It's just an aesthetic thing.
You can supposedly control the sandworm. It's clunky though. Thankfully, it only appears once in the game.
This guy walks like an Egyptian but he's dressed like Morocco Mole.
It's time for a magic carpet ride.
Camel spit is damaging.
Mummies take a few hits to kill. Or re-kill, whatever.
Let's see, we've got a desert world here. Ancient Egypt? Check. Arabia? Check. Dune reference? Check. Napoleonic France… wait.
The bomb makes you explode and kill every enemy on the screen.
But thankfully you just have to wait until he pieces himself back together again.
When the guide said "she," I was expecting Cleopatra VII.
It's time to move on to the last world.
The sky!
You have to use the wind to propel yourself. It's clunky.
They need a building that big just for pool.
If you fall down the chimneys, you die.
The level is called Shepherd’s Delight because there’s a red sky at night but I always heard it as “Sailor’s Delight.”
For some reason, it doesn't rain under the clouds.
This is an autoscroller and it has the most annoying puzzle piece in the game.
Just kind of hover above and to the side and spam attacks. For whatever reason, this boss takes away your pause ability.
This happened to me the first time I fought him. He just disappeared and I was left to wait until I ran out of time or just fell off the screen.
Your lives are capped at 24. I have no idea why because 24 is not a power of 2.
This is the passcode for the end.
One long, awkward elevator ride later.
The manual says that Swirley fulfills Jelly Boy's heart's desire and that is that he can play with all the toys with Harry the Dog.
This is all happening automatically.
Not much of an ending.
I think that games suffer from trying to be x but more so. This game wants to be more M.C. Kids and A Boy And His Blob than M.C. Kids and A Boy And His Blob, making all of its puzzle pieces compulsory. Donkey Kong is like Banjo-Kazooie or Super Mario 64 (Mario collects stars, which open doors to collect keys, which open doors to new levels, where you collect more stars) but your goal is to collect 8 boss keys which are behind doors that you can only go in by collecting x amount of bananas in a level, and to unlock level gates, each character has to collect golden bananas, which require abilities granted by guns, potions, and musical instruments, which are bought using banana coins, and also banana balloons must be popped with guns, and one of the Kongs can obtain a camera which allows you to capture banana faeries, which leads to bonus stuff and also a golden banana, and you need forty blueprints to get the last boss key and you need ten battle crowns to get past a door in the final level and to get past another door in the final level, you need the rareware coin (you need to beat the original Donkey Kong on an arcade machine and to play that arcade machine, you need a handful of banana coins and the potion that grants the ability to pull levers) and the nintendo coin (you need to play Jetpack by collecting fifteen banana metals which you get by collecting 75 bananas in a level with a Kong and protip: don't try to advance the game, just collect enough points to get the coin) but more so.
Or worse, when games try to be x but more so but fail to understand what made x a good game in the first place. Much like Xenoblade Chronicles and Final Fantasy XII. Despite what Tritoch and Philia will tell you. Gone is the compelling political drama. Apparently, they thought people liked the pacing issues in Final Fantasy XII so the plot grinds to a halt every time you get to a new area and have to do a bunch of sidequests.
And then there's inventory management. Because you even have limited space with things like gems and loot items, and since you never know what you're going to need to hold on to for future use. And for the collectapedia, which was admittedly a cool idea, you had to give up one of the items to put it in, which was exceptionally annoying with items that were a pain in the ass to grind for and used in quests.
And the importance of level in damage/accuracy formulas that can be slightly mitigated by gems. And weapons don't do as much damage as they were supposed to do.
Burning question: Why do I have to press a button to duck? Because pressing down looks down? Come on, Sonic can look down while ducking. I mean, he doesn't turn into a duck, but still.
